Monday, May 01, 2006

Sweet Dream

My Sec Reg exam is tomorrow, in 9 hours and 28 minutes. Here is the sweeet dream I will be dreaming about tonight until I wake up and take my last exam of the semester (my original post can be found here:

Office of the Registrar
Your Law School
123 Main Street
Springfield, AB 12345

Dear Student:

We are writing to inform you that due to an unforeseen two-week nationwide holiday, finals for the spring semester have been cancelled. The faculty joins us in our sentiments that you have studied enough over the course of the semester, and therefore rescheduling final exams for this semester will not be necessary.

We know you are curious how our decision will affect your class rank, if at all. For your information, we are changing our official policy to make every student #1. When employers write to inquire where you are in the class, we will universally acknowledge that you are the #1 student in the class. Externally, we will continue to say that we do in fact rank, and we will continue to publish our GPA ranking percentiles on our website. The fact that these will be misleading will remain our secret. Please do not spoil this good fortune for others by divulging this information to friends outside of the law school, potential employers, or heaven forbid publishing this information on your blog.

We hope you enjoy your summer, and that you will not work too hard slaving away for a firm to pay us back the more than $100,000 you will spend for tuition for the duration of your law school career. Please find some time to enjoy yourselves. If you are studying for the bar, we are very sorry for your misery, and we hope you find some time to spend with your long forgotten family members before you again disappear into a firm for the next several years while you pay down your debt.

Again, best wishes for a fruitful and successful summer. We will not be in communication with you, as there will be no grades to post. Instead, your transcript will simply reflect an "A" for each course you chose to undertake. We will also retroactively be changing your grades to all A's to reflect our new "unofficial" policy to make everyone #1 because you all deserve it. For those of you who already had straight A's, congratulations. Now everyone can be just like you.

Congratulations on another successful year in law school.


Tammy Bakerschmidt
Dean of Students

PS. Law Review membership has been expanded, and everyone who decides they would like to join may do so. Please contact the Editor-in-Chief to inform her of your decision to join. Please note that you may also explicate your Law Review membership on your resume for employment purposes even if you choose never to do anything for the journal. We feel that this collaborative and non-hierarchical approach will make our Law Review one of the most important law journals in America.

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